I haven’t written anything as yet about my dysfunctional relationship with my ex husband. I think the reason for that is because it is just so painful. And shameful. And difficult. It’s hard to admit you were wrong, that you acted against your instincts and accepted far far less than you would have ever thought possible when you were young and naive and idealistic.
I have always held close high ideals. From a young age, I believed in people doing the right thing, that people inherently wanted to do the correct thing by others, that we all acted from a place of goodness, kindness, love. It seemed to me that doing the right thing and being kind and loving was so obvious, that it needed no thought or consideration.
Oh, how life taught me otherwise.
It taught me, very early on, that life could be cruel. Unpredictable. That what you once held as safe and sacrosanct could be dismantled in the blink of an eye, a passing comment or blow, a single, seemingly innocent afternoon. When it all come thundering down in a blinding, confusing flash of anger, rage and violence against yourself or someone you loved.
My father. A handsome, funny, so funny, charming, so charming man who could fill my heart with joy and laughter and make me feel as though I was THE most important person in his life. But who was equally as capable as making me feel as though I was the bane of his existence, the reason for his sorrow and self hatred and the worthy subject of his rage and disappointment. His unpredictable nature (are you happy? are you angry?) and mood swings made life….interesting, I suppose.
And that set me up, beautifully, inevitably, for a future with another man who was handsome, funny, charming and damaged, hate-filled and manipulative, damaging and destructive. When you’re unaware, you head towards that which you’ve always known, because it feels safe and sure. It’s human nature, right?
Leaning into the familiar, that which I’d always known, was inevitable. Call it a Karmic Path, a Knowing, whatever, it was bound to be. And it was.
I’ve only recently acknowledged, realised that when my father passed away, my relationship with my ex husband solidified, became more real. became A Thing.
Is this coincidence?
I believe that my relationship with my ex-husband is an extension of, an acting out of, my relationship with my father. What I could not not resolve with my father, because cancer took him too soon, needed to be acted out with another, in my case, with my ex husband.
And so we have been engaged in battles of wit, of needing to prove that one is better than the other, that one is worthy of more than the other, that one has more rights than the other.
Neither of us right. Or wrong.
It just is.
I need, must must must must, let him (Dad) go.
- It no longer serves me to hold on. It no longer serves me to have anger or resentment or a sense of injustice- it’s pointless and solves nothing. Really.
- Holding on, WILL make me crazy. I will lose myself in the process of having to prove something, anything.. And in losing MYSELF I will die, which sounds dramatic, but it’s true, and I cannot allow that to be.
- Losing myself- this is such a fledgling thing, something I have only recently had a concept of- I am Me. However I choose to express it, it’s valid, real and perfect for me. I am whole. This is real. This is ok. Warts and all. Especially warts and all.
- ” Forget your perfect offering, There is a crack, There is a crack, in everything, That’s how the light gets in” -Leonard Cohen. Our cracks, our vulnerable openings, are where the light of truth and beauty and love shine. They are authentic and real. We need to embrace these; accept and love them. They serve us very well.
And so. I let you go. You no longer affect me. You no longer hold any pieces of my heart. You are no longer part of me. I release you, with love and grace. I let you go, free to do as you will. You were once part of me and now you are no longer. That is ok, that is good and as it should be. I wish you well. I wish you peace. Leave me to build a life without you and to thrive and be whole.
So shall it be.