Two nights ago, I drank. Too much, too quick and so here I am back at day 2. The hangover, as usual, was brutal and I am still feeling the effects today. I feel defeated and useless and very, very alone.
I know exactly why I drank. I felt lonely and tired of being lonely and I just wanted the constant churning of my mind to stop. And it worked, it works every single time and it is the reason why I am sitting here now, typing this rather than give in to the voice in my mind which is insisting incessantly that this loneliness and self doubt and self loathing will all STOP if I drink.
It works. The instant the alcohol hits my bloodstream and spreads throughout my body, there is immediate relief. Anxiety melts away. The continual, critical soundtrack in my head slows down and and I feel both body and mind relax into sweet, sweet oblivion. Fears, gone. Worries, banished. I am free of myself and the whole shitty mess my life has become.
Free also to waste money and time. Free to say stupid things and act foolishly. Free to repeat the same old boring routine of drink, smoke, drink, smoke, drink, smoke.
Free to wake up the next morning and instantly feel yet another hangover. The throbbing head, the aching body, the mind now rebounding into overdrive, endlessly listing all the ways I am crap, have always been and will forever remain. The anxiety, so quickly alleviated the night before with alcohol, returns a thousand-fold and it is so visceral, so THERE that I feel it crawling over and into my skin, and taking root in my poor, abused and defenceless mind.
It is a horrific, soul destroying way to live. And yet, YET even with this knowledge so very fresh in my mind, it is STILL now calling to me. All of this uncomfortable junk could be cleared so quickly, for now, with alcohol. What would ‘just one more night’ hurt? Does it really matter?
I don’t want to drink. I do want to drink. I don’t want another hangover. I do want this horrible feeling to go away. I never want to drink again. I so desperately want to drink RIGHT THIS INSTANT. I never want to feel this way again. Alcohol will take it all away.
Alcohol will take. And take and take and take and take. It will never be satisfied.
But can I be satisfied without the numbing effects of alcohol? Can I live, day in, day out, with myself?
I don’t know. But for now, I am heading to an AA meeting and I WILL NOT DRINK TODAY.